Two-bit Guru | Snot Blowing | Photo of red and blue handkerchiefs.

If you’re squeamish when it comes to mucous maybe you’d be best off not reading this.”
~Two-bit Guru~

Today, I set out to write a piece about using handkerchiefs in preference to tissues. As sometimes happens, my irresponsible mind wandered off track and I found myself writing a fond childhood reminiscence about snot blowing. Read on only if you dare.

Natural little creatures that we were as kids (specifically boy-kids), we often left our hankies in our back pockets because a shirt sleeve was more readily available.

Some of us didn’t bother to carry a snot rag at all. For substantially-sized goobers, some kids developed the technique of throwing the head back, sealing off one nostril with the thumb, and then exhaling a sharp burst of air through the unsealed one, causing the goober to shoot out like a viscous rocket.

On a windy day said goober could carry for some distance before alighting on the ground, or connecting with a bystander who failed to move upwind at the first sign of a launch. The process could then be used for the other nostril, followed by a ritual double wipe of the nose on a sleeve.

Caution: Be warned that the following paragraph is even more disgusting than the previous ones.

Probably every kid, except girls, discovered the technique of the sharp inhale to draw goobers through the back of the nostrils and into the throat. A good hhhhaaaack brings the goober into the mouth from whence it can be fired into space with a strong thwack from the tongue. Wind direction, other than of gale-force velocity, has little effect here and bystanders are warned to take cover immediately. This method is a cousin to the technique of spitting saliva out on the ground for no apparent reason.

Suggestion: If you find these techniques offensive, please feel free to refer to them as snot yoga.

In truth, I never learned the launching technique. My preference was to use a hanky for goobers, and sleeves for less substantial nasal emissions. I did spit on the ground for no apparent reason, frequently.

Perhaps needless to say, tissues were for girls and sissies.

In a feeble attempt to restore some dignity here, I’d like to say that when I do use tissues I recycle by feeding them to the worms (worms, or some other creatures in the soil, do eat paper).

What conclusions can we draw from all this? For one thing, boys are really different from girls. Most girls I know, women I know, don’t like worms, and they don’t like nasal mucous, either. I know there are some girls and women of a different opinion, but if there were studies on such topics I’m sure the studies would show that I’m right about the majority.

Justification: If Dr. Oz can invite guests on his daytime TV show to handle the brains, intestines, and lungs of dead people, I have no problem writing about snot.

Looks like 2013 is going to be an exciting year!